Thursday, November 18, 2010

Help Fight C.O.M.D!

From: Roger S
Date: Thu, 2 Sep 2010 06:51:59
To: ; ; ;

Subject: Visitors

Dear Luke (and Grace),

I thought maybe it would be better to communicate with you in writing
so that you would be able to keep what I wrote for future reading. However, you do also need to read it (all) now.

I do appreciate that you made efforts to keep quiet on your arrival back in the house last night with your friends. Thank you for making the effort.

However, you also need to understand both that your efforts were **utterly** inadequate to achieve the desired aim of not waking me up(I can't speak for Mum at present), and that this has consequences.

I don't know what time you actually arrived back home, but I was woken up at 0025h having had about 80 minutes sleep. One might have thought that at this point you would all have gone straight to bed - leaving me with at least some chance of turning over and going back to sleep. One would have been wrong.

For the next 25 minutes there were scrapings of chairs in the kitchen, openings and closings of the kitchen door, flushings of toilets, openings and closings of the front door, girlie giggly good-byes on the doorstep, loud "Shh"ings, openings and closings of the blue bathroom door and clickings of the light switch. At 0053h I thought I was finally going to have a chance to get back to sleep, but no, there was still one of you walking around the house until 0117h.

In the end, as a result of having been thoroughly woken up by this time, I then couldn't get back to sleep at all - at all - for the entire remainder of the night. I have ended up with a total of 80 minutes sleep last night.

Today I have a lot of work to do to prepare for a client meeting which starts at 1600h. I am already shattered, and it will take me considerably longer to do than it would otherwise have done. By the time of the meeting I am likely to be barely able to keep my eyes open, let alone deal alertly and responsively with the complicated issues being discussed with the client.

Around 150,000 pounds of work hangs on this and two or three other similar meetings. That's the equivalent of five years full time (seven days a week) work punting at Scudamore's, or rather more than that of café work.

The issue is not that you didn't try hard enough not to wake me/us up - it's that it's impossible to control visitors sufficiently to achieve that.

For that reason, any visitors you bring to the house in future must *both* of the following conditions:

A) They are coming to visit us as a family, not to use our house as a hotel.

B) You and they are not going out in the evening but staying in, and go to bed *and to sleep* at 2230h. "And to sleep" because otherwise you end up wanting the loo later.

There is now a permanent, lifelong, irrevocable, and absolutely non-negotiable BAN on your bringing to our house any overnight visitors who do not meet both of these conditions. This applies to both of you, as (a) the problems are equally difficult whoever's friends they are, and (b) Grace seemed to think that it was unreasonable of us to expect visitors of Luke's (and therefore presumably of hers) to stick to such rules of polite and considerate
guest behaviour, indicating that her friends would have similar tendencies.

If you want to try to help and make some degree of amends, then I would very much appreciate it if Grace would go to bed early tonight, and if Luke, who is incapable of going to bed and to sleep (see above) early, would book himself into a bed and breakfast for tonight at his own expense. Then I might get a chance to go to sleep early and stay asleep.

Tomorrow I have another meeting with somebody different. It would be good to be awake for it. It finishes at 1400h, so there is a good chance that I might be able to take Friday afternoon off.

Luke, there is another email coming to you specifically in a minute.

With love,


Quoting Matthew Green :

Hello Roger,

Luke just forwarded me your "Visitors" rant, and I have to admit that I'm a little disappointed with your take on things. When looking at your courtroom quality transcript of the events from last night, it seems like you were only disrupted from 0025h to 0117h. Using my advanced time calculation tools I believe that is only 52 minutes of total time. Based on the size of your tome-like email, I think it probably took you longer to write this thing than the amount of sleep
you actually had disrupted.

Frankly Roger, I'm a little worried that a 52 minute disruption caused you to lose an entire night of sleep. As people get older, the brain chemical melatonin begins to diminish in production until it eventually ceases entirely. This chemical can affect the ability to stay asleep.

It could also be that you have a lot of extra anxiety, or other rage filled emotions that are tucked away deep deep inside of you. This rage can begin to bundle up until it forms a common yet sadly
incurable disease called "Crotchety Old Man" Disease, or COM for short. COM can start with email rants, but if left untreated, could lead to full blown wagging of your finger, screaming needlessly at neighborhood children, and complaining about how things used to be better "when you were younger". Either way, I would consider speaking with a physician. In the long run, you'll end up with better sleep, and less stressed children.

While I have no idea who any of you are (Perhaps you know another Matthew Green?), I have a 7 month old baby girl, and I'm quite familiar with sleepless nights before an important business meeting, so I certainly know how frustrating they can be. That being said, I wish you all many restful nights in the future.


(Another) Matthew Green

From: Grace S
Date: Tue, Nov 16, 2010 at 10:08 AM
Subject: Re: Fw: Visitors
To: Matthew Green

Luke you are an idiot.
Matthew Green, good point well made however i think this will serve to enrage my dad further.
Grace x

From: Max T <>
Date: Tue, Nov 16, 2010 at 9:22 AM
Subject: Your Email

Dear (another) Matthew Green,

I should like to start with a thank you. You can't imagine the hilarity your email has caused a bored bunch of university students.

I should probably explain. Luke S is a good friend of ours (picture attached) who is rather strange. Last night we met a group of girls, and they were wondering about why Luke was so odd. We read out "visitors" (one of our favourite past-times) as we thought it might illustrate Luke's upbringing. Luke's blackberry screen was cracked (unsurprising) making reading difficult, so Matt Green (ours) decided to forward the email to his HTC. He typed the address in wrong, didn't receive the email, but didn't think any of it. Thank god the person that did receive it didn't just ignore it.


Ps. As you might imagine, Roger S did not find the email very funny, and was confused and angry when he rang Luke this morning.

Pps. We have received discovered that Roger is allergic to the sun and therefore walks around his home town of Cambridge in a motorcycle helmet. He gets a bit hot in the helmet though, so has decided to wrap it in tinfoil to keep cooler. You couldn't make this up.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Indian Double-Flute

On Thu, Nov 4, 2010 at 7:40 AM, xxx Environmental LLC wrote:

Dear Matthew Green,

Your statement is attached. Please remit payment at your earliest convenience.
Thank you for your business - we appreciate it very much.

xxx Environmental, LLC

Statement Summary
Statement #: 1330
Statement Date: 11/04/2010
Open Balance: $1,500.00
From: Matthew Green
Sent: Thursday, November 04, 2010 8:56 PM
Subject: Re: Statement from xxx Environmental, LLC

Thank you for the bill. I wish I could pay you, but I'm completely out of money. I am however very skilled at playing the algoza, or the "Indian double flute". In lieu of payment, would you accept payment in the form of a unique song that I can play to you over the phone with my Indian flute? I'll allow you to record the song on your answering machine so that you can play it back for others, and I promise you'll be satisfied. If this isn't satisfactory, I can also paint a very convincing picture of a turkey by using my hand. We're approaching thanksgiving, and its always a treat to see a high quality hand turkey.

On Fri, Nov 5, 2010 at 8:17 AM, Bill Ciancaglini wrote:
Funny – I guess a lawsuit is in order – jail would be nice for the Holidays
From: Matthew Green
Date: Fri, Nov 5, 2010 at 7:59 PM
Subject: Re: Statement from XXX Environmental, LLC
To: Bill Ciancaglini

Jail? There is absolutely no reason for you to go to jail. I know you think you're getting an unbelievable deal by getting both a hand turkey, and a personalized algoza song, but its certainly not a crime.

I'm still working things out, but the song is going to go something like this:

Billlllllll Billlll Billlll
From XXX Environmentalllllllll
Thats where Bill is frommmmm

He likes to send emails to peopleeeeee
Even if he doesn't know who is sending them tooooo

Let me know what you think.

A different Matthew Green

Matthew Greens Gone Wild

On 9/4/09, Ben H wrote:
> Are any/all of you going to be in Chapel Hill this Saturday for the Heels'
> home opener? If so, do you have pre-game tailgate plans? Also, I like the
> Heels this weekend 83 to the Citadel's 6.

On Fri, Sep 4, 2009 at 9:56 AM, Henry Sale wrote:
I will not be in chapel hill for the game

On Fri, Sep 4, 2009 at 5:17 PM, Skip Tabb wrote:
I'll be in Charlotte as well.
On Sep 30, 2009, at 1:56 PM, Matthew Green wrote:

I'll be in upstate NY for the weekend. Also..who are all of you?

On Wed, Sep 30, 2009 at 2:20 PM, Skip Tabb wrote:
Come on matt, let's not play dumb. We see you all the time at the games. Just bc you drank too much and kissed that girls boyfriend doesn't mean we forgot what happened.

On Sep 30, 2009, at 3:31 PM, Matthew Green wrote:

Are you sure I didn't kiss that guy's girlfriend? That seems more like something "Matthew Green" would do...although, I guess its possible that chapel hill Matthew Green could be up to anything.

-Matthew Green (not the one you know)
On Wed, Sep 30, 2009 at 4:14 PM, Skip Tabb wrote:
The truth hurts Matt, but clearly you were sucking face with a dude. It isn't my speed, but then again I don't live in "upstate New York". Perhaps we could settle this in a parking lot instead of me just laughing at your idle electronic threats? Do you have a preference? The concrete at Burger King has always worked for me in the past, but if you'd prefer a smoother surface, I'd be happy to engage in fisticuffs there- provided you don't try to kiss me of course.


From: Matthew Green
Date: Wed, Sep 30, 2009 at 4:45 PM
Subject: Re: Heels
To: Skip Tabb
Cc: ""

I don't deny that a "Matt Green" was engaged in what you describe, although I'm not thrilled to hear about it. There are a lot of heterosexual Matt Greens who are just trying to live our lives, and I certainly don't need my wife reading about this other Matt in the newspaper. That being said, I'm not willing to fight over it as I strongly support a "Don't ask Matt Green, don't tell about Matt Green" policy. When you do eventually figure out your Matt Green's real email address, you should apologize for spilling the beans on his exploits! By the way, I don't live upstate NY, but, as Ben originally inquired, thats where I'll be this weekend.

-Straight (and married) Matt Green

Matthew Greens in Higher Education

On Tue, Jul 21, 2009 at 4:43 PM, Anne Bryan wrote:

We have completed the review of applications for our assistantship in Student Affairs and have made an offer to our top candidate. I certainly wish we had more assistantships to offer as we had a tremendous applicant pool. I will keep your resume on hand, and if I hear of any other funding opportunities in the school in the coming weeks, will certainly pass your name along.

Anne Bryan

Director of Student Affairs
From: Matthew Green
Date: Tue, Jul 21, 2009 at 5:39 PM
Subject: Re: Student Affairs Assistantship
To: Anne Bryan


I'm sorry to hear that Matt didn't get the assistantship, and while I happen to be a different Matthew Green, it always displeases me to see hardship fall on my name. I'm happy to see that you will keep Matthew Green's resume on hand, and I hope that you consider him for any future funding opportunities.


(a different) Matthew Green

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

On Thu, Jan 14, 2010 at 10:56 AM, Piel, Jack wrote:


We have been given the opportunity to do a presentation for the Cannon Camp Fair on March 13 from 10-2. I have accepted and think it would be great if you could join me there and present something about the robotics component. Maybe show examples of different stages of building the robot and then what a programmed robot can do. If this is possible CAMMP can pay you $100 for your time. I know it’s not much but hey, we’re broke. Let me know if this is possible so that I can let them know that you’ll be joining me there.


From: Matthew Green
Date: Thu, Jan 14, 2010 at 12:34 PM
Subject: Re: March 13 at Cannon
To: "P, Jack"

Hi Jack,

Good luck on your presentation! I would love to demonstrate the capabilities of my robot, but he isn't yet ready for "mainstream" as I still have not been able to teach him the emotion that we humans call "love". 100 dollars would still be great, and if Cannon is interested, I would love to use the money to go towards my robot's fancy death ray laser arms.

You may also want to try to get in touch with "your" Matthew Green since he may be more interested than I am.

(A different) Matthew Green